A Darker Shade of Pale
by Dark Day For Anime
Summary: Makoto struggles with something she can't fight against.


A Darker Shade of Pale  
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME  
  
Sailormoon is the creation of Takeuchi Naoko, and both Bandai and  
Kodansya have a stakehold in its existence yadda yadda yadda......  
  
  
  
Makoto wasn't good enough. She saw that now. She had let the  
side down by not using her powers as she should have, and everyone  
hated her for it.  
  
She stood on top of the building and looked down at the   
ground, dark save for the few lights that failed to seep into the   
corners of her mind. There were times when she felt so bad about   
herself, but this was the worst. Rei had given her a dressing-down   
about her failiure to achieve what should have been achieved in   
their last fight.  
  
"You should do as the rest of us do." She had said. "That  
is the only way a Sailorsenshi should operate. If you can't do  
that, at the very least, then you should leave."  
  
Hates me.... She hates me. Probably always did. Probably  
always....  
  
Makoto clenched her fists. How dare she berate her in this  
manner? She wasn't much better. Indeed, her efforts were, by far,  
less effective against the You... Against the Car... Against the  
Daim....  
  
She couldn't remember what the enemy had been, this time.   
Maybe the only enemy was her. Maybe she was the enemy. Maybe that  
was why they hated her so much....  
  
Damn that Rei.... She had been playing mind games with her  
all this time. Always saying how she would blow her stack at the  
least given moment. Couldn't Rei see she was contributing the only  
way it was possible for her to do so?  
  
She killed the enemy, after all... Even if she couldn't   
remember who or what the enemy was...  
  
Even Ami put in her two cents worth.... Telling her that it  
was her worst performance as a Sailorsenshi. Ami said she would   
never work with Makoto on an individual basis again. Never! Why  
were they always against her?  
  
Perhaps it was because they all hated her. Perhaps it was  
because they were all frightened of her, and what she represented.  
But Hotaru's powers were more frightening, and Setsuna was still  
untrustworthy, even if Usagi had faith in her.  
  
Makoto paced the roof, putting a hand to her forehead. Hard  
to think, now. So hard to think of who she was and what she was  
fighting against. The enemy.... It was still there. It had to be  
defeated. It had to be....  
  
Usagi... Her words had been soothing. She said she still  
trusted her. She said that Rei and Ami were just jealous of her   
power. HAH! Jealous, eh? Yeah, that was it. They were jealous.  
She was SAILORJUPITER, the senshi of the King of Planets. She had  
the GREATEST power. With her around, everyone was safe. There was  
no enemy who could defeat her.  
  
And even as she thought this over, she knew it was rampant  
bullshit, because she HAD been defeated. Many times. She had died  
more than once. She banged her head against the access door. How  
could she be so stupid so often? How could she fall into these   
traps?  
  
Minako had tried to make light of the situation. She said   
that Rei and Ami didn't really mean what they said.... She said  
Makoto had performed credibly. But then, Minako hadn't performed  
that credibly, herself, so what would she know?  
  
Makoto began to jump around. She was alive... Alive alive   
alive alive alive....  
  
She wasn't even sure now. Stream of conciousness was not the  
best way for a mind to operate. She hated thinking about things.  
Her thoughts ended up invariably being dark.  
  
She wanted her parents back. She sat and curled up into a  
little ball and cried like a child, Too much for her to think   
about. It reminded her of her own mortality. But then, she was  
immortal. Functionally immortal. She'd always been brought back  
by Usagi.  
  
Usagi.... The girl cared about her so much... Why? Why does  
she care about a violent, self-posessed imbecile like her? Her   
tears flowed voluminously. This time, it was the end. This time,   
the enemy WAS going to be defeated, because the enemy was.... The  
enemy was....  
  
There was no enemy. Nobody but herself. Nobody now.   
Everyone hated her because they said so. She rocked back and forth,  
making little keening noises from her throat.  
  
  
"May I join you?" Said the soft voice. Makoto's head snapped  
round, angrily, but she softened when she saw Usagi standing in the  
doorway. "I thought you might have been here."  
  
"Where else do I seem to be, these days?"  
"Not where you should be. Not with us."  
"Don't want to be with you anymore. You all hate me."  
"That's a lie and you know it."  
"Self deception.... My greatest power." Makoto turned and  
rested her chin against her knees as Usagi sat down alongside her.  
The girl's hair was increasingly light, these days, the opposite  
of her manner.... It was a sobering aspect of Usagi's development.  
  
"You don't have to fight this alone, you know?"  
"I am alone. Always been alone."  
"Oh come on.... You were happy when you had your parents.   
You weren't alone, then. And you regained your happiness when you  
returned to us."  
"Self delusion. I'm not happy, not with anything I do."  
  
Usagi sighed and looked away. "I seem to remember your smile.  
It was so nice to see.... Always telling us how we were all safe   
with you around...." She turned back. "You see, Mako-chan, I KNOW  
why you are this way. YOU know why you are this way. Things can be  
done to remedy the situation. All you have to do is..."  
  
"...Take my medication. Yeah, right. I fight better when I'm  
angrier. And I hate those pills. I don't want to touch them. I   
hate the idea of taking something to feel better. It seems so   
unnatural."  
"We need you back, Makoto... We want you back. The REAL  
Makoto... The one who was always smiling. The one who would pull   
no punches to help a friend. These past few months have been hell   
for us, watching you descend like this...."  
  
  
Makoto stood and walked over to the railing that lined the   
roof. Usagi followed her, nervously. Makoto looked back and shook  
her head. "I'm not going to jump off. I'm terrified of dying, you  
know?"  
"The way you fight, sometimes.... You never seem to think   
about yourself... Only your friends...."  
  
"Hmm..." Makoto looked at the lights of the city. "I hate  
being alone. The loneliness makes me feel.... When I'm alone, I'm  
given time to think... And I don't like what I think about."  
  
  
Makoto looked down. "You know... That time we were fighting  
that demon thing three weeks ago? The one that had killed those   
kids and their teacher at the kindergarten...." She paused. "The  
one I killed...."  
"What about it?"  
"I looked into her eyes, before I blasted her with an energy  
punch. Just for a moment, it felt like I was staring back at   
myself. The look in her eyes.... I've seen that look in my mirror  
a million times. And you know what? Later that night, after we'd  
arrived back at Rei's temple.... And I walked home by myself, I   
decided to visit the top of a building like this one. Only it was  
taller, and I couldn't see the bottom."  
  
Usagi remained silent. Makoto breaths became punctuated with  
sobs. "I looked down into that darkness and thought what it would  
be like to fall from there.... To fall into that darkness.... That  
was the one true moment where I felt no fear of death." Tears ran  
from her eyes. "I must have been up there for hours. I knew, in my  
form as Sailorjupiter, that I could virtually leap from that   
building with abandon and land unharmed.... But I... I just wanted  
to know what that darkness was like.... It looked so peaceful,   
and...." She was shivering now. "And I can't remember walking   
home. I can't remember anything from that point until I walked   
through the front door of my apartment...."  
  
Makoto felt Usagi's arms wrapping around her, hugging her. It  
was almost a signal to let fly.... Makoto almost screamed out what  
she was feeling, collapsing against the railing and onto the ground.  
Usagi went with her.  
  
As she began to calm, she could feel Usagi rubbing her   
shoulder. "Thankyou for sharing that with me, Mako-chan.... I...  
think I'm beginning to understand what you've been going through..."  
  
Makoto slowly turned, wiping her nose, her eyes red, as Usagi  
let her go. "I'm sorry.... I shouldn't be like this. I'm supposed  
to be the strong one, aren't I?"  
  
"You're human, Makoto. You're as weak and as frail as the   
rest of us."  
"What should I do? if things go on this way...."  
  
Usagi shook her head, and pulled out the small yellow and   
white cardboard package, placing it in Makoto's hand. "The choice  
is yours, Mako-chan.... I can't force it on you."  
  
Makoto read the packaging.  
  
CAUTION S4  
Supply without prescription illegal  
Keep out of reach of children  
ANAFRANIL 25  
Clomipramine Hydrochloride  
Tablets 25mg  
50 coated tablets  
  
She hated making decisions....  
  
DDFA - in one of his darker moments  
ayanami@internode.on.net  
9th Mar 1998 


End file.
